Procrastination Time... well kinda

So a bit has gone on in the past couple of days: I have been experiencing some dizzy spells that come along with weakness. I totally attributed them to having some low blood sugar, and since I'm going to Russia soon and recently they became a little more frequent and severe, I thought I best be finally going to the doctor (ugh). Turns out it's something called a mitral valve prolapse which means that one of the valves doesn't close properly when pumping blood. Apparently it's a fairly insignificant problem and I had no reason to find out about it since I never had any reason to go to a cardiologist until now. But the main factor in this is apparently stress. Since this all started when I first moved down here (huh interesting) kind of stayed at bay for a bit, then started up again once I started becoming stressed about work and my relationship. Huh. I had just assumed during those times I didn't eat as much or drink as much water which messed up my blood sugar... this explanation makes a bit more sense. With that being said, I was prescribed more sleep and less stress. I know it's going to be a struggle for me on both those fronts. But it's also a little scary to have a doctor tell me that the stress in my life has physically manifested itself in such a way. 

With that being said, I am a STRESS MONSTER. It consumes me: I become negative and bitchy and pessimistic. I can assure you I'm miserable to be around (I'm sure most would admit that if you asked them; some will even tell me......). I also have an atrocious poker face (unless I'm actually playing poker, then I do have a good one. Probably because I mask it all with anger :|). Coty said something to me tonight that kind of broke my heart a little "I want you to be that sexy, sweet, smart unbelievably awesome girl I fell in love with. The one who was semi-care-free"At first glance it's quite sweet, but what it really means is that I'm not like the girl he fell in love with anymore. I don't really know who I am anymore. I've let myself get so wrapped up in the various aspects of my life (fighting to stay close to the top of Coty's priorities, always hearing from my parents about job availabilities at home, work sucking both literally and figuratively because I'm pretty sure it has sucked out a good chunk of my soul) that I've lost me. I barely talk to friends anymore, and when it is, it's to bitch. I realized today that I don't know how to have a normal conversation with a friend that isn't solely about complaining about my life. That is so sad. On top of it all, I feel like I make up most of this shit in my head. Yes, some of it is stressful, but I also stress about what ifs ALLL THE TIME (mostly about my relationship and quitting my job) so it makes me sometimes jump to unfair conclusions. But that aspect of me terrifies me: am I at least just a little bit crazy? It does run in the women in the family you know. That thought runs through my mind every time I'm told I'm paranoid or making shit up or anything along those lines. I want to be that girl Coty described again; she sounds great! My biggest fear when he said that though is what if I can't be? What if I can't manage to do that for him and for myself? Is that it? There's only so much love can endure, even if it is soul-mate-once-in-a-lifetime kind of love. I'm so afraid all the time that he will just tell me "you know what? I don't need this in my life anymore. I love you but I just can't do it." Though by no means is it really fair to think that; I have no real reason to believe it, yet that massive fear sits lurking in the corner always. Part of me wonders if it's because the few relationships I have had have ended in me breaking it off in a heat of the moment type deal, expecting him to come crawling back to me and he didn't. Maybe I feel like I deserve no better. Why can't I just accept this is going to be long term/forever come hell or high water?

At the same time, if it doesn't manage to work out with us being in a relationship for whatever reason, I can't cut him out of my life. Well I could (because that is what I usually do) but that would be so hurtful to both of us that I just couldn't. It would break my heart to finally be just the friend I'm only supposed to be though. Sometimes I wonder if that would just be better: for me to be a friend to Coty and love and support him from afar. See each other occasionally-ish, talk still I would hope, but not be together. I would probably move back home and our contact would grow fewer and further between. I just can't even accept that as a possibility though... unless it was something he really needed me to do. Then I can't be selfish. It does entirely break my heart to consider it though. Tears are literally streaming down my face as I type. This is one of the reasons I like to write on here though: at least getting it off my chest let's a little less of it run around my mind and keep me from sleeping (and remember I really need my sleep now apparently...). 

I got so tangent-y during this post but it feels cathartic to see it all in front of me. Maybe now I can try and move past these feelings towards a better Erin. I want to be sweet and awesome again.....

My Happy List

So tonight I had an idea in mind for a post and then I was like "fuck that shit. I'm doing something pure and simple and happy". So here it is, my what-makes-me-happy list:

1. The first kiss after a hitch offshore
2. The aftermath of that first kiss... ;)
3. A cuddly kitten in my lap
4. Finishing something that was frustrating
5. Bread pudding
6. Sleeping in after a long week
7. The smell of fall
8. Hugging excited kiddies
9. Catching up with good friends
10. Sour candy
11. The first snowfall of the year
12. Bundling up in sweaters and boots on fall days
13. A massage
14. A good little random surprise. Like snail mail from home or flowers
15. Talking about the future
16. My baby
17. Seeing the look on someone's face when I picked them out a good gift
18. School supply shopping
19. The smell of apple mango tango Gain
20. Being productive
21. Leaving to go on vacation

I'm sure I have a ton more, but there's a start.

BE a happy panda!

How are You Doing Today Erin?....

Well thanks for asking... kind of a loaded question really: I've had a long, tiring, stressful week. It started out last weekend with not being able to see Coty before he went back to work. He ended up spending time with his family, which of course I understand, but when that happens it doesn't make it suck any less. I also really wanted to see him since I won't get to now for about two months. Work is sending me to Russia (in February... I know) for six weeks and the way schedules fall and whatnot, that's the moral of the story. So any normal person gets disappointed by something like this, and I am definitely no exception. But the real question is how do I better deal with being disappointed? Because it obviously happens in all parts of everyone's life... all. the. time. (I'm not being cynical; that's just the reality of life) How do I learn to "roll with it"? I want to be able to not necessarily be unaffected by shitty things that happen, but to stop being so deeply affected that it just ends up making me an insufferable person resulting in me pushing everyone away. Is the answer being busier and more fulfilled in my life outside work? A friend of mine asked me a question the other day: am I putting so much effort into maintaining my long distance relationship (because that is what it is) that I haven't fully settled into my life in Houston? In a sense she was right; that isn't the only factor working against me, there's also my hating my job but putting my head down and sucking it up because I have to, deciding I wasn't going to like Houston before I even moved here because 1. it was a big city and 2. because it was literally driving a distance wedge into my relationship. As if we weren't already up against enough... But this is my reality; I'm here for a while. At least until I can find a job elsewhere. So how do I make the best of it? Having shopping as my only hobby is not helpful (one I don't even maintain that well anymore btw). My life used to be so full of variety and fulfilling and now it just feels kind of blah. I also had to sit and think: how do you even meet friends when you move to a new city? Through work? I tried that; I like a couple of them but most of them I don't. I don't feel I have much in common with them because save the couple of people I like, most of them are married or cynical about life because they are old and alone. So then I think about it: where did I meet all of my good friends? School (not going back to school)... Cadets (there are no Cadets down here or an equivalent really)... Work (exhausted that option already)... hmmm what to do? I'm making somewhat of a vow to myself: I'm going to do two new things once I come back here (besides working out :) ). I have yet to decide what they are but I think one will be a book club. I definitely always loved reading. I'll have it in the back of my mind while I'm over there and this is me making a promise to myself: I HAVE to do something and I will!

I got off on a wicked tangent and didn't even get to touch on the rest of the things I'm stressing over right now... until next time and I best be trying to

Be a Happy Panda :)

The Twenties Triangle

So when I took it upon myself to try my best to fix this funk I was/am in, I also bought a book. First "self-help" book ever; let's not make this a trend. But it was one entitled 20 Something, 20 Everything - A Quarter-Life Woman's Guide to Balance and Direction. It's essentially about how a woman my age in the present struggles with a lot of pressure: work, relationships, family, and trying to balance them all. So throughout this book there are a bunch of exercises involving self-reflection and writing in a journal, so this blog shall act as my journal.

Exercise 1:

1. Who am I?

Well this is a loaded question. I'll start with the basics: 24-year-old Canadian woman living in Houston, Texas. Currently working as a cementing engineer in the Gulf of Mexico. 6 months in to a committed relationship with essentially the male version of me. Tougher stuff: 

• I'm loyal to a fault; if you mean a lot to me, I will bend over backwards and go out of my way to do everything I can to help you. 
• I'm very guarded. I'm not going to use it as an excuse, but my loyalty has been betrayed fairly terribly a couple of times in my life: one of them was my best friend. For 8 years. And she just up and tossed me to the side for another girl in our class. As if high school wasn't shitty enough as it was, I lost my best friend and along with her, my entire group of friends. It was heart-breaking. She finally realized she had messed up terribly and it was her fault but it was waaay too late to ever get back to being anything close to the friends we were. Another was a guy who pretended he was interested in a relationship with me but just completely fucked with my emotions and strung me along for 4 years. I'm a smart girl and this was stupid of me, but it slowly wore me down over a long period of time and made me extremely cynical and guarded; thankfully my current boyfriend saw something he could love in me and persisted to break down those defences.
• I'm foolish. I love to be silly and find funny pictures and posts on Facebook. My best of friends share my sense of humour (including my mother).
• My family is very important to me. I was always one of those kids that when she came home to visit, fam time was number one. Any friend time was secondary. That's something I hugely regret about my last trip home: not enough family time. But dwelling on it doesn't change it, so I'll just have to not do it again...
• I hold a grudge. Since I am so guarded, when I do let my defences down and let someone in, if they betray that trust I will hold it against you... for a long time. Yes I know everyone deserves a second chance and this isn't necessarily fair, but I also don't like feeling stupid for opening up to someone. 
•  I'm fairly judgemental. I make decisions of whether or not I like someone quickly. My initial judgement is usually fairly right, but maybe I sometimes don't give people a chance when they deserve it.
• I am pretty smart, if I do say so myself. Some might say smart ass (I would tend to agree sometimes), but I'm pretty swift. I have a couple of blonde moments (this girl is not blonde) but I generally catch on to stuff pretty quickly.
• I'm a hard worker. I bust my ass at whatever job I have; sometimes I'd rather if I could be one of those slackers who could do enough to just not get fired, but that's just not how I roll. I like being good at my job, sometimes I'd just rather it mean more because it's my experience it doesn't mean as much as it should.

2. What do I want?

• In my career: I want to be successful/good at my job, I want it to be challenging and keep me engaged without it taking over my free time, I want to be a valued member of whatever team I'm on
• Family: I want to see my family at least three times a year while I'm living away (which I most likely will be)
• Relationship: I see myself staying with my current boyfriend (as much as it sometimes feels like everything is working against us). Would like to be married within the next two years and in a house of our own within three
• Childrens: I want to have two more; would love if it was a boy and a girl, but it doesn't really matter. Would like them two years apart and have the first one in the next three-four years

3. How do I get what I want?

• In my career: apply for new jobs elsewhere (big production companies; I want to stay working in oil & gas, preferably in drilling & completions), actively work hard at learning my new career and decide the direction I would like my career path to take once I have a new job
• Family: save travel money and harass them to come see me
• Relationship: STOP BEING CRAZY. Support Coty in the fact that he does still have to go through a divorce and learn how to navigate living separately from his wife to still keep his kids' best interests at heart. While applying for new jobs, get on a career path that can direct me back to living near Coty's kids since he wants to stay very near to them. Start saving for long term aka a downpayment for a house
• Children: this goes hand in hand with the relationship category; once all that is settled out, I feel the kids category will follow in line

Well, that was interesting. I don't know if I've ever considered some of those things as concretely as that. 

Just have to say: be a happy panda :)

Getting There...

So time for a semi-positive post:

I was feeling pretty self-pitying this time last weekend (I know, I know, to stop being like that was one of my goals... but alas I am fairly terrible at controlling my own emotions). But I've turned around my view of everything this week. While it felt reeeeally shitty at the time, what Coty said to me was on point, and I know it. Those who know me, know I'm stubborn, but once I realize someone else is right, I can admit it (some might not agree with me on that, but that's just because I'm usually right ;) ). But it made me completely refocus; I snapped out of my funk and started focusing on what I could do well right now: be successful at my current job and keep looking for jobs. And it kind of seemed like everything started falling into place all at once (maybe the stars do align when you have the right outlook... that's a little eerie). I got a call for a job interview in a couple of weeks with Shell (a big player I'd applied to) PLUS I've officially been given my own rigs to cover at work while a fellow engineer is gone to school for six weeks. Finally, I won't be idle anymore! I know that was a big reason I was going so crazy. And I'm sure I was driving Coty crazy: too much idle time gives me way too much time to think and come up with random paranoid shit. Plus, I know I bug him when he's trying to work... often. Everybody wins :D! Also helping him with some school stuff right now too which makes me feel useful (because when I'm idle I feel useLESS).

I also feel like when I'm in a better mood it's infectious. I didn't realize how much my negativity was dragging down those closest to me. Sorry babe! I know I've been a pain to deal with and I'm sooo glad I've finally started to claw my way back up out of this unreal funk I've been in. I guess sometimes I just need to be smacked in the face with the truth.

One more good thing this coming week (I know... I'm on a total roll tonight!): I fiiiinally get in my new apartment on Friday!!! It's going to be so good to finally be able to make a place completely my own and settle at least a little bit. It'll also be exciting to be able to have visitors without having to worry about putting out my roomies. NO. MORE. ROOMIES!!! Ugh. What a relief! Plus it'll practically be like Christmas when I open my stuff that got put into storage a mere 15 months ago.

Let's get real: that first sentence was a little cynical. This was more than a SEMI-positive post... I'd be so bold as say it was downright positive. Tonight I...

AM a happy panda!

Harsh Reality

Well I've spent yesterday evening and today mulling over my current situation A LOT. It's hard not to on the 4ish hour drive back to Houston. It was brought to my attention that maybe I just have to suck it up, get over it, and deal with my current job/situation until I can gain enough experience to be useful to someone else. I had honestly been originally onboard with this line of thinking since I deep down knew that with a year being the longest I've yet to have an engineering job (my co-op terms were only 4 or 8 months each), I wasn't of much use to any other company. But I guess I got a little blinded by striving for what I really wanted rather than looking at what was realistic. To hear and know that I'd have to suck it up was pretty crappy and not at all what I wanted to hear. It's just difficult to work my ass off at a job (which is real typical Erin) when I hate it and I find it terribly boring. And I know these types of complaints are normal from most anyone. Who really has their dream job? Not most people. I'm not asking for a job I love and am excited about, just one that I like and don't dread going to every day.

I also got told that I can be hateful sometimes today. That's just something I never expected to hear as an answer to describe me. Negative, yes. Mean? Sometimes. But hateful? That just broke my heart to hear about myself. Is this who I am? Rather, is this who I've become? It also makes me feel blatantly compared; inadequate if you wish. It means this to me: sure, you're a good person most of the time, but you're not the type of person to go out of your way to help someone you may not like just because you're nice. Wow. I always thought of myself as a helpful person too... I don't know what to think and I don't know how to go about changing back because I know I wasn't always like this.

When I hear things like this it makes me especially negative, which I'm sure results in my pissy "hateful" moments. What a disgustingly vicious cycle. What kind of worries me about this is how else have I changed? Apparently I'm a different person now than I always considered myself to be which is a little scary. Is the root cause that I feel lonely here? I don't have any real friends anymore that I can just hang out and be me with anymore. As a result I spend too much time with just myself, likely overanalyzing shit going on in my life, and being resentful of people around me who seem happy when I'm not. And how disgustingly cynical is that?? What 24-year-old who hasn't been through any ridiculously bad hardship in her life feels like that? It makes me feel ridiculous about my own thoughts. And to be quite honest, it's times like these when the fear/thought crosses my mind about the crazy that runs in the women in my family. I thought I would avoid it, but sometimes lately I feel like it's creeping its way in. This terrifies me to no end and it's absolutely the last thing I want. It makes me feel like the way I am is eventually going to drive the few people I actually do have in my life away from me. That also breaks my heart.

I just needed to get all of this off my chest because it's difficult to speak it aloud when speaking about most of it instantly makes me break down in tears. It's been a tough day, but I need to pick up the pieces and move on. Have to try and

Be a happy panda :)

... or at the very least, not a sad one...

Self-Consciousness

So this came up in a conversation with my boyfriend this evening when we were chatting about his absolute love of "liking" several skanky bikini-clad chicks on Facebook. Sure, if I know he loves me (and I do) I should be secure enough in myself and our relationship for this not to bother me. Who are these chicks? Dunno. Are they any real threat to me? No. So why do I let it bug me....

I guess it mostly just goes back to the fact that I was never one of the skinny girls (insert blah blah poor fat me blah that every girl spouts). But I really mean never. As in I currently weigh less at this very moment than I did when I was 13 years old. Regardless... I also grew up in a small town with some pretty shitty bitchy "friends". So it was have them or have no friends. That's how small the town was. Anyway even when I stopped being a chunky little girl, I still felt like that. And for someone who knows me fairly well, who knows how stubborn I am, who knows how tough and hard-headed I am, to hear that I am so self-conscious about myself is... strange, foreign, way out there.

So these girls kind of bring out this insecurity in me. Not fair because I know I'm loved. I know my fantab boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful and sexy and gorgeous and loves me more every day. It's just really REALLY hard to not compare myself. But starting here I make a promise to myself to stop doing that. I need to love me and stop comparing myself to other chickies. It's getting me nowhere. As long as I look in the mirror and am happy with myself and how I feel, that's all that matters. I will love me as I am.

Be a happy panda.