I've spoken about my insecurities before. If I took a step back and looked at myself as I am pretty sure other people see me, that's kind of shocking. I've always been pretty outspoken and ambitious and I suppose that brings with it an air of confidence. But internally I don't know if I would ever call myself confident.
The real question I have is how does anybody anywhere ever just feel good enough? And with that being said I don't know how I've ended up with feeling like this. I grew up in an extremely supportive household with fantastic encouraging parents. Sure I was a little bit chunky and got teased as a child but I pretty much just fought back and kicked the shit out of those guys. Plus I grew out of that... Well maybe moreso into a lifelong obsession with my weight once I took control of it. Mostly because I'm controlling and it was something that completely fell on my own shoulders. But besides my weight, I always would get thrown off once I got to that point in my life when guys would actually pay attention to me (mind you it didn't happen until I slimmed out quite a bit... Beginning of the obsession maybe?). I was always told I was pretty or whatever but by the people who are supposed to tell you you're pretty like your family. This was new and uncomfortable but from then on, I never pursued anyone. If they showed interest in me, there was potential. But I never made the first move. Why? I was so painfully afraid of that rejection I'd felt before as a young girl having a crush, and I don't think I ever grew past that. In fact, the only reason I'm past that (sometimes) is that my current relationship has made me feel special. I'll often tell Coty how special he makes me feel and his response is always "but it's because you are special".
The hardest thing for me to remember is that everything is not always a comparison. A "she's cute" or "she does a really good job" or "she's super smart" doesn't mean any of those things aren't true for me. It doesn't negate those characteristics in me. Why is that so hard to keep in my head? I also don't know why I come up with so much shit in my head. I'm just so meh at everything lately, it's hard to feel special or awesome. I'm struggling at work. I'm constantly causing fights with Coty (subconsciously or not). I feel like I've been a shitty friend and pulled away from the few I still have. I'm just not used to not being on top of my game. In high school, I was the best. In university, I was good at school but excelled in my extracurricular life. Now I just feel kind of meh at everything. I thought I was supposed to grow as a person as I got older, not digress? *sigh* I guess it's just one of those days... But does it count as "one of those days" when those days happen about 95% of the time lately.
The real question I have is how does anybody anywhere ever just feel good enough? And with that being said I don't know how I've ended up with feeling like this. I grew up in an extremely supportive household with fantastic encouraging parents. Sure I was a little bit chunky and got teased as a child but I pretty much just fought back and kicked the shit out of those guys. Plus I grew out of that... Well maybe moreso into a lifelong obsession with my weight once I took control of it. Mostly because I'm controlling and it was something that completely fell on my own shoulders. But besides my weight, I always would get thrown off once I got to that point in my life when guys would actually pay attention to me (mind you it didn't happen until I slimmed out quite a bit... Beginning of the obsession maybe?). I was always told I was pretty or whatever but by the people who are supposed to tell you you're pretty like your family. This was new and uncomfortable but from then on, I never pursued anyone. If they showed interest in me, there was potential. But I never made the first move. Why? I was so painfully afraid of that rejection I'd felt before as a young girl having a crush, and I don't think I ever grew past that. In fact, the only reason I'm past that (sometimes) is that my current relationship has made me feel special. I'll often tell Coty how special he makes me feel and his response is always "but it's because you are special".
The hardest thing for me to remember is that everything is not always a comparison. A "she's cute" or "she does a really good job" or "she's super smart" doesn't mean any of those things aren't true for me. It doesn't negate those characteristics in me. Why is that so hard to keep in my head? I also don't know why I come up with so much shit in my head. I'm just so meh at everything lately, it's hard to feel special or awesome. I'm struggling at work. I'm constantly causing fights with Coty (subconsciously or not). I feel like I've been a shitty friend and pulled away from the few I still have. I'm just not used to not being on top of my game. In high school, I was the best. In university, I was good at school but excelled in my extracurricular life. Now I just feel kind of meh at everything. I thought I was supposed to grow as a person as I got older, not digress? *sigh* I guess it's just one of those days... But does it count as "one of those days" when those days happen about 95% of the time lately.
