Reassessment

Well.. It's certainly been a long time since I wrote a post. I just spent some time searching and reading back through my old posts. The hardest thing to see and read was that I've felt like I feel now for so so long and it's completely unhealthy. I finally have a conversation this weekend that took a couple of days to sink in, but it's really made me reassess the way I need to approach things right now.

So I'm putting in writing a few goals. These aren't New Year's resolutions, per se, but more so "Erin you need to get your shit together or no one will want to be around you" goals:

• Quit reading into things. I even wrote a couple of posts on this before. Get it in your head girl! A man is straightforward. Words are words. Things aren't convoluted or a personal attack on you or some passive aggressive bullshit to get under your skin. There doesn't have to be an ulterior motive... just accept it.
• Stop stop STOP whining about work so much. Get done what you have to, let it go, detach yourself, don't internalize things, and most importantly do NOT take out your stress on the ones who love you
• Be happy. That's the freaking point of this blog isn't it? For me to get myself into a better mental space? Focus on the good things and not the negative so much. It's incredibly toxic both to your soul and relationships.
• De-stress. I've actually been doing a decent job with this lately, incorporating more yoga into my life (which I'm slowly progressing at which is a mini internal victory). I've also been making a real effort to replace my shopping distractions with constructive things like being a crafty old lady :)... that sounds weird. Rather, I am now doing some crafts and projects like an old lady.
• Appreciate the little things. This goes back to being happy again; this really has a lot to do with seeing Coty and us getting time together. Our situation is far from perfect and I have to stop getting down about not getting more time together and do what I can to get and appreciate the little bits we do get. It's incredibly important to my own mental health and the health of our relationship.

On another note, something exciting did happen since my last post: I applied for and interviewed for med school!! I did it. I took the plunge. I may be crazy but now that I went through with the whole process I'm feeling a whole lot better about the direction this could take. Let's just say I'm cautiously optimistic of the outcome (I get to find out this month eeeeee!!!). And I do have to say that I've gotten an amazing amount of support about it, especially from Coty. It might be the most selfless thing he's done for me. And I don't think he quite understands how much it means to me but it means the world to me to have that kind of support. So I hope it works out and my life starts moving in a happier direction!

I AM adequate... Am I?

I've spoken about my insecurities before. If I took a step back and looked at myself as I am pretty sure other people see me, that's kind of shocking. I've always been pretty outspoken and ambitious and I suppose that brings with it an air of confidence. But internally I don't know if I would ever call myself confident. 

The real question I have is how does anybody anywhere ever just feel good enough? And with that being said I don't know how I've ended up with feeling like this. I grew up in an extremely supportive household with fantastic encouraging parents. Sure I was a little bit chunky and got teased as a child but I pretty much just fought back and kicked the shit out of those guys. Plus I grew out of that... Well maybe moreso into a lifelong obsession with my weight once I took control of it. Mostly because I'm controlling and it was something that completely fell on my own shoulders. But besides my weight, I always would get thrown off once I got to that point in my life when guys would actually pay attention to me (mind you it didn't happen until I slimmed out quite a bit... Beginning of the obsession maybe?). I was always told I was pretty or whatever but by the people who are supposed to tell you you're pretty like your family. This was new and uncomfortable but from then on, I never pursued anyone. If they showed interest in me, there was potential. But I never made the first move. Why? I was so painfully afraid of that rejection I'd felt before as a young girl having a crush, and I don't think I ever grew past that. In fact, the only reason I'm past that (sometimes) is that my current relationship has made me feel special. I'll often tell Coty how special he makes me feel and his response is always "but it's because you are special". 

The hardest thing for me to remember is that everything is not always a comparison. A "she's cute" or "she does a really good job" or "she's super smart" doesn't mean any of those things aren't true for me. It doesn't negate those characteristics in me. Why is that so hard to keep in my head? I also don't know why I come up with so much shit in my head. I'm just so meh at everything lately, it's hard to feel special or awesome. I'm struggling at work. I'm constantly causing fights with Coty (subconsciously or not). I feel like I've been a shitty friend and pulled away from the few I still have. I'm just not used to not being on top of my game. In high school, I was the best. In university, I was good at school but excelled in my extracurricular life. Now I just feel kind of meh at everything. I thought I was supposed to grow as a person as I got older, not digress? *sigh* I guess it's just one of those days... But does it count as "one of those days" when those days happen about 95% of the time lately. 

Cheesy Smiles

So last week was tough, there's no denying that. The prospect of losing my best friend and soul mate (not entirely but enough to feel like a piece of me was missing) tore me apart inside. But as a silver lining to those chats about where we were and what we should do was almost like a reset button was pressed. It felt like it allowed us to reexamine why we started this adventure together in the first place and I think we're strangely better for it. As such, I'm in the mood to make a sappy little post today:

Reasons why I love my baby

1. He's a great man
2. He's a great father. I want him to be a great father to our own babies one day too
3. The way he smells
4. The way it feels when he smiles when we kiss
5. He's my soul mate
6. We buy the same brand of weird
7. We're nerds together
8. He makes me want to be a better person
9. He loves to take care of me
10. He lets me take care of him
11. How vulnerable he lets himself be with me
12. That I could show you what it meant to find your soul mate
13. That he never gave up on me
14. That he loves my crazy even when I don't
15. He's the most supportive to me and completely selfless in helping me do what's best for me
16. Cuddles
17. I can picture myself growing old with him
18. He wants to travel the world with me
19. We spoke about what our dream wedding was and it was the same (meant to be :) )
20. He can always cheer me up on a bad day
21. He lubz
22. We can talk to each other in our own weird way and it makes me smile every time
23. Talking to him brightens my day
24. I still count down the days to get to see him next
25. He picks up on my little hints... Sometimes
26. He calls me his family. Even if we aren't officially yet
27. I never get bored of talking to him
28. He thinks when I get jealous its cute
29. He makes me feel sexy
30. His cheesy cute smile

So I have tons more but I can't give up all of them at once ;) I also gave this to Coty as a valentines day gift because I'm a total sook. Lubz bigz den moonz sweetie pie!!!

Paranoia at its Finest

So I have this problem where I imply everything to be the absolute worst when I hear a simple statement. Well usually read a simple statement. Which tends to be a problem when a good chunk of my communication with Coty tends to be via text message.  I always assume the some underlying meaning underneath what he says. It's a pretty big point of contention between us since it's kind of a part of my crazy. That and when I infer those things it makes me convince myself that he doesn't really care. This is a big thing that kind of hangs around always in the back of my mind which I know is probably ridiculous but I don't know how to stop it. 

With that being said, I think sometimes he does try and egg me on and bring it out in me. Which really isn't all that fair. It doesn't teach me to get past it or avoid doing it in any way. Maybe it should but it doesn't. So really all that happens is me getting agitated so I want to learn to move past that. Reality: he's not going anywhere anytime soon. STOP with the convincing yourself he's about to leave at any second and implying that he needs time away from me or doesn't want to be with me or have a family or be married. How do I know that? How we both reacted to the prospect of actually breaking up last week. So give it a rest lady. And you should really know the difference: how many times does Coty tell you he likes to get you going?

Interesting Turn of Events

Well this has been a tough week, at least the beginning of it was. But it sort of set in motion a bunch of things that are making me feel hopeful for the first time in a while. After how I was feeling Monday night, I decided to go look at jobs at home that everyone has been trying to tell me is best for me. Maybe they were on to something. So this came up in conversation on Thursday evening when I told Coty I had been considering it. He was very supportive of the idea and told me that it really could be a good thing for me right now and I know he's right. So I messaged my dad and asked him to look into what the salary would be out of interest. To say I shocked him was a massive understatement. Turns out it was potentially what I'm making now so I threw my resume into the mix. I feel though I don't have the type of experience in that role, my other experience should be an asset. 

So what does this mean? Am I giving up? I'm kind of torn between whether or not I'm giving up or doing what's healthiest for me right now. Also kind of afraid for what it means for Coty and I since I never want to lose him. But I also can't keep on being as unhappy as I am because I can assure you part of My unhappiness results in pushing everyone who loves me away. Which is my vicious circle. Blehhh. But on another note, this brings back the possibility of trying to have a baby before I head back home to allow me to have the baby there and have a support system unlike what I'd get to have down here. That makes me excited!! I'm just always a little afraid how it will affect Coty not being able to see another child of his nearly as much as he'd want to and I'd want him to. That would break my heart on all sides. I just want us all to be happy and make everything work the best we can :) if that includes a little piece of the two of us, that makes my heart smile :D. 

Just Breathe

Today during something that was supposed to be fun and a stress relief (Zumba) I felt the overwhelming urge to cry. That happens so often lately. Too often. Is that normal? Definitely not. No matter how hard I try, I seem to sink deeper and deeper into these feelings (sometimes it feels a little like a depression?). I just feel so alone all the time. And it feels like there's nothing I can do about it. Feeling pretty helpless and like everything I have right now is an impossible task. 

It also really upsets me when I'm feeling like this and I also feel like I have no one to talk to. I know Coty gets busy and it essentially feels like he's living a double life, so when he's home and actively living that life then I don't feel like I can be a part of it. I get that that's pretty selfish but it also feels like steps back every single time I call and don't hear back from him. I feel like a pathetic girl that can't take a hint when a guy doesn't want to talk to her. I shouldn't feel like that. I know I'm probably blowing some of this out of proportion but I think some of it also is him trying to keep the peace at him at my expense. He never used to care about how it looked. Now I know he does. Also makes me think he's leaning back towards staying with her. Which I could totally understand... But I need to hear it and not infer it from how I feel.  

And at the same time I feel like I have no one to talk to who's on my side. I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle solo and it's exhausting mentally and even physically... Even when I did just have a nice-ish visit (minus a big piece of kaylees mind on my relationship) with one of my best friends, as soon as it was over it dragged me down even further than before it started. It's heart breaking and frustrating and lonesome :(

Balancing Goals

So a lot has been running through my mind lately: a lot about the future and what to do and how to get there. I've always been a goal oriented type of person (shocker I know...) so to me, if something is not working or I'm not where I want to be, what else is there to do but make a goal and work towards making it better? I can't really think of anything else.

So it's a well known fact that I'm miserable in my current job, so what can I really do about that? Find another one? That's easier said than done especially when I don't have a green card here. Or I could quit and go home, poor and a quitter. But I'd be home with my family and probably a whole lot happier. I miss having people I enjoy being around in my life. I'm sick of spending all of my weekends alone. It was different when my alone time was a choice. Now I don't have an option. And if I do have the opportunity to see a friend or especially Coty to lift my spirits I will bend over backwards to make it happen. That loneliness is probably a root cause of how needy I've become... But that's a different story for a different day.

I've also strongly considered going back to school: it would give me something constructive to focus my negative energy on and also likely give me a much better chance on getting something different that I'll enjoy working at.

But at the same time, sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to cling to something that no one else but me thinks is a good idea. My parents are always trying to pull me back home, Coty tries to nudge me to do it (granted, yes, I know mentally it would probably be a great help right now), I hate living here which is my reality at least for a while. Kind of feels like everything and everyone is telling me that I'm fighting for this alone. That I'm kidding myself into thinking it will be best in the long run. It makes me want to give up and listen to everything going on around me and just go home. I just feel so defeated and I don't know what to do...