Cheesy Smiles

So last week was tough, there's no denying that. The prospect of losing my best friend and soul mate (not entirely but enough to feel like a piece of me was missing) tore me apart inside. But as a silver lining to those chats about where we were and what we should do was almost like a reset button was pressed. It felt like it allowed us to reexamine why we started this adventure together in the first place and I think we're strangely better for it. As such, I'm in the mood to make a sappy little post today:

Reasons why I love my baby

1. He's a great man
2. He's a great father. I want him to be a great father to our own babies one day too
3. The way he smells
4. The way it feels when he smiles when we kiss
5. He's my soul mate
6. We buy the same brand of weird
7. We're nerds together
8. He makes me want to be a better person
9. He loves to take care of me
10. He lets me take care of him
11. How vulnerable he lets himself be with me
12. That I could show you what it meant to find your soul mate
13. That he never gave up on me
14. That he loves my crazy even when I don't
15. He's the most supportive to me and completely selfless in helping me do what's best for me
16. Cuddles
17. I can picture myself growing old with him
18. He wants to travel the world with me
19. We spoke about what our dream wedding was and it was the same (meant to be :) )
20. He can always cheer me up on a bad day
21. He lubz
22. We can talk to each other in our own weird way and it makes me smile every time
23. Talking to him brightens my day
24. I still count down the days to get to see him next
25. He picks up on my little hints... Sometimes
26. He calls me his family. Even if we aren't officially yet
27. I never get bored of talking to him
28. He thinks when I get jealous its cute
29. He makes me feel sexy
30. His cheesy cute smile

So I have tons more but I can't give up all of them at once ;) I also gave this to Coty as a valentines day gift because I'm a total sook. Lubz bigz den moonz sweetie pie!!!

Paranoia at its Finest

So I have this problem where I imply everything to be the absolute worst when I hear a simple statement. Well usually read a simple statement. Which tends to be a problem when a good chunk of my communication with Coty tends to be via text message.  I always assume the some underlying meaning underneath what he says. It's a pretty big point of contention between us since it's kind of a part of my crazy. That and when I infer those things it makes me convince myself that he doesn't really care. This is a big thing that kind of hangs around always in the back of my mind which I know is probably ridiculous but I don't know how to stop it. 

With that being said, I think sometimes he does try and egg me on and bring it out in me. Which really isn't all that fair. It doesn't teach me to get past it or avoid doing it in any way. Maybe it should but it doesn't. So really all that happens is me getting agitated so I want to learn to move past that. Reality: he's not going anywhere anytime soon. STOP with the convincing yourself he's about to leave at any second and implying that he needs time away from me or doesn't want to be with me or have a family or be married. How do I know that? How we both reacted to the prospect of actually breaking up last week. So give it a rest lady. And you should really know the difference: how many times does Coty tell you he likes to get you going?

Interesting Turn of Events

Well this has been a tough week, at least the beginning of it was. But it sort of set in motion a bunch of things that are making me feel hopeful for the first time in a while. After how I was feeling Monday night, I decided to go look at jobs at home that everyone has been trying to tell me is best for me. Maybe they were on to something. So this came up in conversation on Thursday evening when I told Coty I had been considering it. He was very supportive of the idea and told me that it really could be a good thing for me right now and I know he's right. So I messaged my dad and asked him to look into what the salary would be out of interest. To say I shocked him was a massive understatement. Turns out it was potentially what I'm making now so I threw my resume into the mix. I feel though I don't have the type of experience in that role, my other experience should be an asset. 

So what does this mean? Am I giving up? I'm kind of torn between whether or not I'm giving up or doing what's healthiest for me right now. Also kind of afraid for what it means for Coty and I since I never want to lose him. But I also can't keep on being as unhappy as I am because I can assure you part of My unhappiness results in pushing everyone who loves me away. Which is my vicious circle. Blehhh. But on another note, this brings back the possibility of trying to have a baby before I head back home to allow me to have the baby there and have a support system unlike what I'd get to have down here. That makes me excited!! I'm just always a little afraid how it will affect Coty not being able to see another child of his nearly as much as he'd want to and I'd want him to. That would break my heart on all sides. I just want us all to be happy and make everything work the best we can :) if that includes a little piece of the two of us, that makes my heart smile :D. 

Just Breathe

Today during something that was supposed to be fun and a stress relief (Zumba) I felt the overwhelming urge to cry. That happens so often lately. Too often. Is that normal? Definitely not. No matter how hard I try, I seem to sink deeper and deeper into these feelings (sometimes it feels a little like a depression?). I just feel so alone all the time. And it feels like there's nothing I can do about it. Feeling pretty helpless and like everything I have right now is an impossible task. 

It also really upsets me when I'm feeling like this and I also feel like I have no one to talk to. I know Coty gets busy and it essentially feels like he's living a double life, so when he's home and actively living that life then I don't feel like I can be a part of it. I get that that's pretty selfish but it also feels like steps back every single time I call and don't hear back from him. I feel like a pathetic girl that can't take a hint when a guy doesn't want to talk to her. I shouldn't feel like that. I know I'm probably blowing some of this out of proportion but I think some of it also is him trying to keep the peace at him at my expense. He never used to care about how it looked. Now I know he does. Also makes me think he's leaning back towards staying with her. Which I could totally understand... But I need to hear it and not infer it from how I feel.  

And at the same time I feel like I have no one to talk to who's on my side. I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle solo and it's exhausting mentally and even physically... Even when I did just have a nice-ish visit (minus a big piece of kaylees mind on my relationship) with one of my best friends, as soon as it was over it dragged me down even further than before it started. It's heart breaking and frustrating and lonesome :(