The Twenties Triangle

So when I took it upon myself to try my best to fix this funk I was/am in, I also bought a book. First "self-help" book ever; let's not make this a trend. But it was one entitled 20 Something, 20 Everything - A Quarter-Life Woman's Guide to Balance and Direction. It's essentially about how a woman my age in the present struggles with a lot of pressure: work, relationships, family, and trying to balance them all. So throughout this book there are a bunch of exercises involving self-reflection and writing in a journal, so this blog shall act as my journal.

Exercise 1:

1. Who am I?

Well this is a loaded question. I'll start with the basics: 24-year-old Canadian woman living in Houston, Texas. Currently working as a cementing engineer in the Gulf of Mexico. 6 months in to a committed relationship with essentially the male version of me. Tougher stuff: 

• I'm loyal to a fault; if you mean a lot to me, I will bend over backwards and go out of my way to do everything I can to help you. 
• I'm very guarded. I'm not going to use it as an excuse, but my loyalty has been betrayed fairly terribly a couple of times in my life: one of them was my best friend. For 8 years. And she just up and tossed me to the side for another girl in our class. As if high school wasn't shitty enough as it was, I lost my best friend and along with her, my entire group of friends. It was heart-breaking. She finally realized she had messed up terribly and it was her fault but it was waaay too late to ever get back to being anything close to the friends we were. Another was a guy who pretended he was interested in a relationship with me but just completely fucked with my emotions and strung me along for 4 years. I'm a smart girl and this was stupid of me, but it slowly wore me down over a long period of time and made me extremely cynical and guarded; thankfully my current boyfriend saw something he could love in me and persisted to break down those defences.
• I'm foolish. I love to be silly and find funny pictures and posts on Facebook. My best of friends share my sense of humour (including my mother).
• My family is very important to me. I was always one of those kids that when she came home to visit, fam time was number one. Any friend time was secondary. That's something I hugely regret about my last trip home: not enough family time. But dwelling on it doesn't change it, so I'll just have to not do it again...
• I hold a grudge. Since I am so guarded, when I do let my defences down and let someone in, if they betray that trust I will hold it against you... for a long time. Yes I know everyone deserves a second chance and this isn't necessarily fair, but I also don't like feeling stupid for opening up to someone. 
•  I'm fairly judgemental. I make decisions of whether or not I like someone quickly. My initial judgement is usually fairly right, but maybe I sometimes don't give people a chance when they deserve it.
• I am pretty smart, if I do say so myself. Some might say smart ass (I would tend to agree sometimes), but I'm pretty swift. I have a couple of blonde moments (this girl is not blonde) but I generally catch on to stuff pretty quickly.
• I'm a hard worker. I bust my ass at whatever job I have; sometimes I'd rather if I could be one of those slackers who could do enough to just not get fired, but that's just not how I roll. I like being good at my job, sometimes I'd just rather it mean more because it's my experience it doesn't mean as much as it should.

2. What do I want?

• In my career: I want to be successful/good at my job, I want it to be challenging and keep me engaged without it taking over my free time, I want to be a valued member of whatever team I'm on
• Family: I want to see my family at least three times a year while I'm living away (which I most likely will be)
• Relationship: I see myself staying with my current boyfriend (as much as it sometimes feels like everything is working against us). Would like to be married within the next two years and in a house of our own within three
• Childrens: I want to have two more; would love if it was a boy and a girl, but it doesn't really matter. Would like them two years apart and have the first one in the next three-four years

3. How do I get what I want?

• In my career: apply for new jobs elsewhere (big production companies; I want to stay working in oil & gas, preferably in drilling & completions), actively work hard at learning my new career and decide the direction I would like my career path to take once I have a new job
• Family: save travel money and harass them to come see me
• Relationship: STOP BEING CRAZY. Support Coty in the fact that he does still have to go through a divorce and learn how to navigate living separately from his wife to still keep his kids' best interests at heart. While applying for new jobs, get on a career path that can direct me back to living near Coty's kids since he wants to stay very near to them. Start saving for long term aka a downpayment for a house
• Children: this goes hand in hand with the relationship category; once all that is settled out, I feel the kids category will follow in line

Well, that was interesting. I don't know if I've ever considered some of those things as concretely as that. 

Just have to say: be a happy panda :)

Getting There...

So time for a semi-positive post:

I was feeling pretty self-pitying this time last weekend (I know, I know, to stop being like that was one of my goals... but alas I am fairly terrible at controlling my own emotions). But I've turned around my view of everything this week. While it felt reeeeally shitty at the time, what Coty said to me was on point, and I know it. Those who know me, know I'm stubborn, but once I realize someone else is right, I can admit it (some might not agree with me on that, but that's just because I'm usually right ;) ). But it made me completely refocus; I snapped out of my funk and started focusing on what I could do well right now: be successful at my current job and keep looking for jobs. And it kind of seemed like everything started falling into place all at once (maybe the stars do align when you have the right outlook... that's a little eerie). I got a call for a job interview in a couple of weeks with Shell (a big player I'd applied to) PLUS I've officially been given my own rigs to cover at work while a fellow engineer is gone to school for six weeks. Finally, I won't be idle anymore! I know that was a big reason I was going so crazy. And I'm sure I was driving Coty crazy: too much idle time gives me way too much time to think and come up with random paranoid shit. Plus, I know I bug him when he's trying to work... often. Everybody wins :D! Also helping him with some school stuff right now too which makes me feel useful (because when I'm idle I feel useLESS).

I also feel like when I'm in a better mood it's infectious. I didn't realize how much my negativity was dragging down those closest to me. Sorry babe! I know I've been a pain to deal with and I'm sooo glad I've finally started to claw my way back up out of this unreal funk I've been in. I guess sometimes I just need to be smacked in the face with the truth.

One more good thing this coming week (I know... I'm on a total roll tonight!): I fiiiinally get in my new apartment on Friday!!! It's going to be so good to finally be able to make a place completely my own and settle at least a little bit. It'll also be exciting to be able to have visitors without having to worry about putting out my roomies. NO. MORE. ROOMIES!!! Ugh. What a relief! Plus it'll practically be like Christmas when I open my stuff that got put into storage a mere 15 months ago.

Let's get real: that first sentence was a little cynical. This was more than a SEMI-positive post... I'd be so bold as say it was downright positive. Tonight I...

AM a happy panda!

Harsh Reality

Well I've spent yesterday evening and today mulling over my current situation A LOT. It's hard not to on the 4ish hour drive back to Houston. It was brought to my attention that maybe I just have to suck it up, get over it, and deal with my current job/situation until I can gain enough experience to be useful to someone else. I had honestly been originally onboard with this line of thinking since I deep down knew that with a year being the longest I've yet to have an engineering job (my co-op terms were only 4 or 8 months each), I wasn't of much use to any other company. But I guess I got a little blinded by striving for what I really wanted rather than looking at what was realistic. To hear and know that I'd have to suck it up was pretty crappy and not at all what I wanted to hear. It's just difficult to work my ass off at a job (which is real typical Erin) when I hate it and I find it terribly boring. And I know these types of complaints are normal from most anyone. Who really has their dream job? Not most people. I'm not asking for a job I love and am excited about, just one that I like and don't dread going to every day.

I also got told that I can be hateful sometimes today. That's just something I never expected to hear as an answer to describe me. Negative, yes. Mean? Sometimes. But hateful? That just broke my heart to hear about myself. Is this who I am? Rather, is this who I've become? It also makes me feel blatantly compared; inadequate if you wish. It means this to me: sure, you're a good person most of the time, but you're not the type of person to go out of your way to help someone you may not like just because you're nice. Wow. I always thought of myself as a helpful person too... I don't know what to think and I don't know how to go about changing back because I know I wasn't always like this.

When I hear things like this it makes me especially negative, which I'm sure results in my pissy "hateful" moments. What a disgustingly vicious cycle. What kind of worries me about this is how else have I changed? Apparently I'm a different person now than I always considered myself to be which is a little scary. Is the root cause that I feel lonely here? I don't have any real friends anymore that I can just hang out and be me with anymore. As a result I spend too much time with just myself, likely overanalyzing shit going on in my life, and being resentful of people around me who seem happy when I'm not. And how disgustingly cynical is that?? What 24-year-old who hasn't been through any ridiculously bad hardship in her life feels like that? It makes me feel ridiculous about my own thoughts. And to be quite honest, it's times like these when the fear/thought crosses my mind about the crazy that runs in the women in my family. I thought I would avoid it, but sometimes lately I feel like it's creeping its way in. This terrifies me to no end and it's absolutely the last thing I want. It makes me feel like the way I am is eventually going to drive the few people I actually do have in my life away from me. That also breaks my heart.

I just needed to get all of this off my chest because it's difficult to speak it aloud when speaking about most of it instantly makes me break down in tears. It's been a tough day, but I need to pick up the pieces and move on. Have to try and

Be a happy panda :)

... or at the very least, not a sad one...

Self-Consciousness

So this came up in a conversation with my boyfriend this evening when we were chatting about his absolute love of "liking" several skanky bikini-clad chicks on Facebook. Sure, if I know he loves me (and I do) I should be secure enough in myself and our relationship for this not to bother me. Who are these chicks? Dunno. Are they any real threat to me? No. So why do I let it bug me....

I guess it mostly just goes back to the fact that I was never one of the skinny girls (insert blah blah poor fat me blah that every girl spouts). But I really mean never. As in I currently weigh less at this very moment than I did when I was 13 years old. Regardless... I also grew up in a small town with some pretty shitty bitchy "friends". So it was have them or have no friends. That's how small the town was. Anyway even when I stopped being a chunky little girl, I still felt like that. And for someone who knows me fairly well, who knows how stubborn I am, who knows how tough and hard-headed I am, to hear that I am so self-conscious about myself is... strange, foreign, way out there.

So these girls kind of bring out this insecurity in me. Not fair because I know I'm loved. I know my fantab boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful and sexy and gorgeous and loves me more every day. It's just really REALLY hard to not compare myself. But starting here I make a promise to myself to stop doing that. I need to love me and stop comparing myself to other chickies. It's getting me nowhere. As long as I look in the mirror and am happy with myself and how I feel, that's all that matters. I will love me as I am.

Be a happy panda.

Blind Faith

Faith. I don't know about anyone else, but this isn't something I come by easily. And we're talking both faith in God and just faith in general. Why? I don't know. What turned me into such a cynic? Was I always like this? That I also don't know...

Currently I'm struggling with two pieces of the faith puzzle:

Number one is the faith that "everything will work out". I don't know how to believe in this, mostly because I feel like things I want or deserve never truly happen (side note: I was recently given the harsh but true lesson by my boyfriend that hard work and dedication doesn't get me all the way; I'm going to have to be ballsy and go-getting. This is something I don't really know how to do which may surprise most people that know me well). But right now, what else can I have but faith? I think that's a big part of why I feel so unsettled about everything right now: no faith that things will work out. I'm honestly just waiting for my whole world to come crashing down around me. So how do I get or have faith? If only I knew the answer to that. For right now, I'm still trying to force myself to be positive. Can I even do that? I'll try my best to. I just have to remember I have plenty of people in my life who love me and to keep my chin up!

Number two is the faith you think of when you hear that word. This is another thing that's come up between he and I: what do I believe in and why. Until now, no one's really asked me that so I kind of just went with the flow; I was raised Roman Catholic and went to church every Sunday like I'm supposed to, but did I really believe any of that? Apparently not, which I didn't know until I was asked. And that scared the absolute crap out of me. So I've come to the conclusion that I do believe in some form of afterlife and that we have a soul. Where/what that is, I haven't decided what I think. Maybe I don't have an open enough mind. Or maybe I'm too logical a person to have complete faith. Or maybe I just haven't heard the right thing that helps it all click into place for me yet. This is something I'm not going to give up on: I want to be able to teach my children something about faith one day and honestly believe in it myself.

Be a happy panda!

Quarter-Life Crisis

So before I get started with this blog, I'll give the pretence that it isn't really my intention for this to be something for people to follow. Then why blog right? Why not just write all this stuff in a journal to get it out of your system? Well, I honestly prefer a blog as my medium instead of writing by hand, plus sometimes I might not mind for someone in the blogosphere to weigh in on what I'm saying.

With that out of the way, I'll get to my point of starting this blogging adventure: lately I've been really unhappy. Not in a be-concerned-for-me sort of way, but I'm just not feeling content. If you look at me from the outside, I look like I have it pretty much together: "good" job/career, great boyfriend (who has kids that I've also fallen in love with), interesting things going on (I moved down to Louisiana last year to pursue my engineering career in the Gulf of Mexico). But all of this isn't making me entirely happy. Which is a problem. I'm over wallowing in self-pity and being frustrated... all. the. time. 

So let's brainstorm what might be wrong with me: why am I not happy?

• as my job currently stands, it is NOT challenging enough - I love to be busy; always have. This may sound crazy to some people, but if my schedule isn't jam-packed, I'm not living up to my own potential
• I'm bored - this probably goes back to point number one
• I don't feel like my life is fulfilling - see point one again
• I do not want to move - I am being relocated to Houston next week for work, leaving behind my life in Louisiana including the bf
• long distance relationships suck - my boyfriend currently works a 14/14 rotational schedule offshore which corresponded to my 21/7 schedule for days off. Once I move, I'll be working a regular Monday-Friday schedule PLUS be 3.5 hours away. This will be a challenge
• I miss my close friends - while coming down here from Canada was the best move for me career-wise, I came here not knowing a soul. Keeping in touch with people via email and texts is not the same when you used to see them every day. I have also yet to find any good, close friends in my year down here.
• I miss my family - let's get real: anyone who is semi-close to their family gets homesick. I used to when I was in university and I was only one province over. Now I'm an entire country away and am going home to visit on average twice a year. This is hard and I don't care if it sounds like I'm whining.

So what am I going to do about it?

• Look for a new job/career? Preferably one back in Louisiana...
• Take up some new hobbies?
• Get an animal? Or two?
• Focus on making the job I have now work as best I can?
• Teach myself to quit being so frustrated and roll with the punches? (this will be the biggest challenge of my life to date... and I suffered through an engineering degree)

These are a few of the things rolling around in my head, so I'll explore them in more detail along with anything else I find interesting and want to share.

Be a happy panda...