Blind Faith

Faith. I don't know about anyone else, but this isn't something I come by easily. And we're talking both faith in God and just faith in general. Why? I don't know. What turned me into such a cynic? Was I always like this? That I also don't know...

Currently I'm struggling with two pieces of the faith puzzle:

Number one is the faith that "everything will work out". I don't know how to believe in this, mostly because I feel like things I want or deserve never truly happen (side note: I was recently given the harsh but true lesson by my boyfriend that hard work and dedication doesn't get me all the way; I'm going to have to be ballsy and go-getting. This is something I don't really know how to do which may surprise most people that know me well). But right now, what else can I have but faith? I think that's a big part of why I feel so unsettled about everything right now: no faith that things will work out. I'm honestly just waiting for my whole world to come crashing down around me. So how do I get or have faith? If only I knew the answer to that. For right now, I'm still trying to force myself to be positive. Can I even do that? I'll try my best to. I just have to remember I have plenty of people in my life who love me and to keep my chin up!

Number two is the faith you think of when you hear that word. This is another thing that's come up between he and I: what do I believe in and why. Until now, no one's really asked me that so I kind of just went with the flow; I was raised Roman Catholic and went to church every Sunday like I'm supposed to, but did I really believe any of that? Apparently not, which I didn't know until I was asked. And that scared the absolute crap out of me. So I've come to the conclusion that I do believe in some form of afterlife and that we have a soul. Where/what that is, I haven't decided what I think. Maybe I don't have an open enough mind. Or maybe I'm too logical a person to have complete faith. Or maybe I just haven't heard the right thing that helps it all click into place for me yet. This is something I'm not going to give up on: I want to be able to teach my children something about faith one day and honestly believe in it myself.

Be a happy panda!