Well I've spent yesterday evening and today mulling over my current situation A LOT. It's hard not to on the 4ish hour drive back to Houston. It was brought to my attention that maybe I just have to suck it up, get over it, and deal with my current job/situation until I can gain enough experience to be useful to someone else. I had honestly been originally onboard with this line of thinking since I deep down knew that with a year being the longest I've yet to have an engineering job (my co-op terms were only 4 or 8 months each), I wasn't of much use to any other company. But I guess I got a little blinded by striving for what I really wanted rather than looking at what was realistic. To hear and know that I'd have to suck it up was pretty crappy and not at all what I wanted to hear. It's just difficult to work my ass off at a job (which is real typical Erin) when I hate it and I find it terribly boring. And I know these types of complaints are normal from most anyone. Who really has their dream job? Not most people. I'm not asking for a job I love and am excited about, just one that I like and don't dread going to every day.
I also got told that I can be hateful sometimes today. That's just something I never expected to hear as an answer to describe me. Negative, yes. Mean? Sometimes. But hateful? That just broke my heart to hear about myself. Is this who I am? Rather, is this who I've become? It also makes me feel blatantly compared; inadequate if you wish. It means this to me: sure, you're a good person most of the time, but you're not the type of person to go out of your way to help someone you may not like just because you're nice. Wow. I always thought of myself as a helpful person too... I don't know what to think and I don't know how to go about changing back because I know I wasn't always like this.
When I hear things like this it makes me especially negative, which I'm sure results in my pissy "hateful" moments. What a disgustingly vicious cycle. What kind of worries me about this is how else have I changed? Apparently I'm a different person now than I always considered myself to be which is a little scary. Is the root cause that I feel lonely here? I don't have any real friends anymore that I can just hang out and be me with anymore. As a result I spend too much time with just myself, likely overanalyzing shit going on in my life, and being resentful of people around me who seem happy when I'm not. And how disgustingly cynical is that?? What 24-year-old who hasn't been through any ridiculously bad hardship in her life feels like that? It makes me feel ridiculous about my own thoughts. And to be quite honest, it's times like these when the fear/thought crosses my mind about the crazy that runs in the women in my family. I thought I would avoid it, but sometimes lately I feel like it's creeping its way in. This terrifies me to no end and it's absolutely the last thing I want. It makes me feel like the way I am is eventually going to drive the few people I actually do have in my life away from me. That also breaks my heart.
I just needed to get all of this off my chest because it's difficult to speak it aloud when speaking about most of it instantly makes me break down in tears. It's been a tough day, but I need to pick up the pieces and move on. Have to try and
Be a happy panda :)
... or at the very least, not a sad one...
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