Procrastination Time... well kinda

So a bit has gone on in the past couple of days: I have been experiencing some dizzy spells that come along with weakness. I totally attributed them to having some low blood sugar, and since I'm going to Russia soon and recently they became a little more frequent and severe, I thought I best be finally going to the doctor (ugh). Turns out it's something called a mitral valve prolapse which means that one of the valves doesn't close properly when pumping blood. Apparently it's a fairly insignificant problem and I had no reason to find out about it since I never had any reason to go to a cardiologist until now. But the main factor in this is apparently stress. Since this all started when I first moved down here (huh interesting) kind of stayed at bay for a bit, then started up again once I started becoming stressed about work and my relationship. Huh. I had just assumed during those times I didn't eat as much or drink as much water which messed up my blood sugar... this explanation makes a bit more sense. With that being said, I was prescribed more sleep and less stress. I know it's going to be a struggle for me on both those fronts. But it's also a little scary to have a doctor tell me that the stress in my life has physically manifested itself in such a way. 

With that being said, I am a STRESS MONSTER. It consumes me: I become negative and bitchy and pessimistic. I can assure you I'm miserable to be around (I'm sure most would admit that if you asked them; some will even tell me......). I also have an atrocious poker face (unless I'm actually playing poker, then I do have a good one. Probably because I mask it all with anger :|). Coty said something to me tonight that kind of broke my heart a little "I want you to be that sexy, sweet, smart unbelievably awesome girl I fell in love with. The one who was semi-care-free"At first glance it's quite sweet, but what it really means is that I'm not like the girl he fell in love with anymore. I don't really know who I am anymore. I've let myself get so wrapped up in the various aspects of my life (fighting to stay close to the top of Coty's priorities, always hearing from my parents about job availabilities at home, work sucking both literally and figuratively because I'm pretty sure it has sucked out a good chunk of my soul) that I've lost me. I barely talk to friends anymore, and when it is, it's to bitch. I realized today that I don't know how to have a normal conversation with a friend that isn't solely about complaining about my life. That is so sad. On top of it all, I feel like I make up most of this shit in my head. Yes, some of it is stressful, but I also stress about what ifs ALLL THE TIME (mostly about my relationship and quitting my job) so it makes me sometimes jump to unfair conclusions. But that aspect of me terrifies me: am I at least just a little bit crazy? It does run in the women in the family you know. That thought runs through my mind every time I'm told I'm paranoid or making shit up or anything along those lines. I want to be that girl Coty described again; she sounds great! My biggest fear when he said that though is what if I can't be? What if I can't manage to do that for him and for myself? Is that it? There's only so much love can endure, even if it is soul-mate-once-in-a-lifetime kind of love. I'm so afraid all the time that he will just tell me "you know what? I don't need this in my life anymore. I love you but I just can't do it." Though by no means is it really fair to think that; I have no real reason to believe it, yet that massive fear sits lurking in the corner always. Part of me wonders if it's because the few relationships I have had have ended in me breaking it off in a heat of the moment type deal, expecting him to come crawling back to me and he didn't. Maybe I feel like I deserve no better. Why can't I just accept this is going to be long term/forever come hell or high water?

At the same time, if it doesn't manage to work out with us being in a relationship for whatever reason, I can't cut him out of my life. Well I could (because that is what I usually do) but that would be so hurtful to both of us that I just couldn't. It would break my heart to finally be just the friend I'm only supposed to be though. Sometimes I wonder if that would just be better: for me to be a friend to Coty and love and support him from afar. See each other occasionally-ish, talk still I would hope, but not be together. I would probably move back home and our contact would grow fewer and further between. I just can't even accept that as a possibility though... unless it was something he really needed me to do. Then I can't be selfish. It does entirely break my heart to consider it though. Tears are literally streaming down my face as I type. This is one of the reasons I like to write on here though: at least getting it off my chest let's a little less of it run around my mind and keep me from sleeping (and remember I really need my sleep now apparently...). 

I got so tangent-y during this post but it feels cathartic to see it all in front of me. Maybe now I can try and move past these feelings towards a better Erin. I want to be sweet and awesome again.....

My Happy List

So tonight I had an idea in mind for a post and then I was like "fuck that shit. I'm doing something pure and simple and happy". So here it is, my what-makes-me-happy list:

1. The first kiss after a hitch offshore
2. The aftermath of that first kiss... ;)
3. A cuddly kitten in my lap
4. Finishing something that was frustrating
5. Bread pudding
6. Sleeping in after a long week
7. The smell of fall
8. Hugging excited kiddies
9. Catching up with good friends
10. Sour candy
11. The first snowfall of the year
12. Bundling up in sweaters and boots on fall days
13. A massage
14. A good little random surprise. Like snail mail from home or flowers
15. Talking about the future
16. My baby
17. Seeing the look on someone's face when I picked them out a good gift
18. School supply shopping
19. The smell of apple mango tango Gain
20. Being productive
21. Leaving to go on vacation

I'm sure I have a ton more, but there's a start.

BE a happy panda!

How are You Doing Today Erin?....

Well thanks for asking... kind of a loaded question really: I've had a long, tiring, stressful week. It started out last weekend with not being able to see Coty before he went back to work. He ended up spending time with his family, which of course I understand, but when that happens it doesn't make it suck any less. I also really wanted to see him since I won't get to now for about two months. Work is sending me to Russia (in February... I know) for six weeks and the way schedules fall and whatnot, that's the moral of the story. So any normal person gets disappointed by something like this, and I am definitely no exception. But the real question is how do I better deal with being disappointed? Because it obviously happens in all parts of everyone's life... all. the. time. (I'm not being cynical; that's just the reality of life) How do I learn to "roll with it"? I want to be able to not necessarily be unaffected by shitty things that happen, but to stop being so deeply affected that it just ends up making me an insufferable person resulting in me pushing everyone away. Is the answer being busier and more fulfilled in my life outside work? A friend of mine asked me a question the other day: am I putting so much effort into maintaining my long distance relationship (because that is what it is) that I haven't fully settled into my life in Houston? In a sense she was right; that isn't the only factor working against me, there's also my hating my job but putting my head down and sucking it up because I have to, deciding I wasn't going to like Houston before I even moved here because 1. it was a big city and 2. because it was literally driving a distance wedge into my relationship. As if we weren't already up against enough... But this is my reality; I'm here for a while. At least until I can find a job elsewhere. So how do I make the best of it? Having shopping as my only hobby is not helpful (one I don't even maintain that well anymore btw). My life used to be so full of variety and fulfilling and now it just feels kind of blah. I also had to sit and think: how do you even meet friends when you move to a new city? Through work? I tried that; I like a couple of them but most of them I don't. I don't feel I have much in common with them because save the couple of people I like, most of them are married or cynical about life because they are old and alone. So then I think about it: where did I meet all of my good friends? School (not going back to school)... Cadets (there are no Cadets down here or an equivalent really)... Work (exhausted that option already)... hmmm what to do? I'm making somewhat of a vow to myself: I'm going to do two new things once I come back here (besides working out :) ). I have yet to decide what they are but I think one will be a book club. I definitely always loved reading. I'll have it in the back of my mind while I'm over there and this is me making a promise to myself: I HAVE to do something and I will!

I got off on a wicked tangent and didn't even get to touch on the rest of the things I'm stressing over right now... until next time and I best be trying to

Be a Happy Panda :)