So a bit has gone on in the past couple of days: I have been experiencing some dizzy spells that come along with weakness. I totally attributed them to having some low blood sugar, and since I'm going to Russia soon and recently they became a little more frequent and severe, I thought I best be finally going to the doctor (ugh). Turns out it's something called a mitral valve prolapse which means that one of the valves doesn't close properly when pumping blood. Apparently it's a fairly insignificant problem and I had no reason to find out about it since I never had any reason to go to a cardiologist until now. But the main factor in this is apparently stress. Since this all started when I first moved down here (huh interesting) kind of stayed at bay for a bit, then started up again once I started becoming stressed about work and my relationship. Huh. I had just assumed during those times I didn't eat as much or drink as much water which messed up my blood sugar... this explanation makes a bit more sense. With that being said, I was prescribed more sleep and less stress. I know it's going to be a struggle for me on both those fronts. But it's also a little scary to have a doctor tell me that the stress in my life has physically manifested itself in such a way.
With that being said, I am a STRESS MONSTER. It consumes me: I become negative and bitchy and pessimistic. I can assure you I'm miserable to be around (I'm sure most would admit that if you asked them; some will even tell me......). I also have an atrocious poker face (unless I'm actually playing poker, then I do have a good one. Probably because I mask it all with anger :|). Coty said something to me tonight that kind of broke my heart a little "I want you to be that sexy, sweet, smart unbelievably awesome girl I fell in love with. The one who was semi-care-free"At first glance it's quite sweet, but what it really means is that I'm not like the girl he fell in love with anymore. I don't really know who I am anymore. I've let myself get so wrapped up in the various aspects of my life (fighting to stay close to the top of Coty's priorities, always hearing from my parents about job availabilities at home, work sucking both literally and figuratively because I'm pretty sure it has sucked out a good chunk of my soul) that I've lost me. I barely talk to friends anymore, and when it is, it's to bitch. I realized today that I don't know how to have a normal conversation with a friend that isn't solely about complaining about my life. That is so sad. On top of it all, I feel like I make up most of this shit in my head. Yes, some of it is stressful, but I also stress about what ifs ALLL THE TIME (mostly about my relationship and quitting my job) so it makes me sometimes jump to unfair conclusions. But that aspect of me terrifies me: am I at least just a little bit crazy? It does run in the women in the family you know. That thought runs through my mind every time I'm told I'm paranoid or making shit up or anything along those lines. I want to be that girl Coty described again; she sounds great! My biggest fear when he said that though is what if I can't be? What if I can't manage to do that for him and for myself? Is that it? There's only so much love can endure, even if it is soul-mate-once-in-a-lifetime kind of love. I'm so afraid all the time that he will just tell me "you know what? I don't need this in my life anymore. I love you but I just can't do it." Though by no means is it really fair to think that; I have no real reason to believe it, yet that massive fear sits lurking in the corner always. Part of me wonders if it's because the few relationships I have had have ended in me breaking it off in a heat of the moment type deal, expecting him to come crawling back to me and he didn't. Maybe I feel like I deserve no better. Why can't I just accept this is going to be long term/forever come hell or high water?
At the same time, if it doesn't manage to work out with us being in a relationship for whatever reason, I can't cut him out of my life. Well I could (because that is what I usually do) but that would be so hurtful to both of us that I just couldn't. It would break my heart to finally be just the friend I'm only supposed to be though. Sometimes I wonder if that would just be better: for me to be a friend to Coty and love and support him from afar. See each other occasionally-ish, talk still I would hope, but not be together. I would probably move back home and our contact would grow fewer and further between. I just can't even accept that as a possibility though... unless it was something he really needed me to do. Then I can't be selfish. It does entirely break my heart to consider it though. Tears are literally streaming down my face as I type. This is one of the reasons I like to write on here though: at least getting it off my chest let's a little less of it run around my mind and keep me from sleeping (and remember I really need my sleep now apparently...).
I got so tangent-y during this post but it feels cathartic to see it all in front of me. Maybe now I can try and move past these feelings towards a better Erin. I want to be sweet and awesome again.....
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