Wavering Conviction

Tonight during my workout, in the middle of holding a bridge pose, my mind began to wander and I started to cry. I know, I know: crying is not out of the ordinary for me, especially not lately (hell I even cried at work when they told me they wanted to move me back home), which is actually really aggravating to me. I hate that my instinctive reaction is to cry. It makes me feel so weak. Anyhow, my reason for crying was me thinking about the conversation me and my momma had last night. I had told her about Coty taking the kids on a cruise in April. She, of course, asked if his wife was going and I obviously admitted that she was. She wasn't too receptive of the idea, and I don't really blame her: she only wants the best for me and my momma is not one to speak up about something. She has always let me and my brother make our own decisions and mistakes and kept her opinion out of it, especially when it comes to important life decisions (this is great when you're sick of hearing opinions; not so great when you actually need one...). If I'm going to be honest, I'm really not happy about the whole thing, or rather the principle of a family vacation (a harsh reminder of what I'm not). This is probably pretty selfish of me, but I'm also trying my best to look at the positive side of it: Coty needs a vacation, I'm sure, and also gets to spend this time sharing an experience with his kids. His wife is just tagging along. <-- I wish I could see it like that all the time, but I really don't, not all the time. At the same time, I also feel like that's a natural feeling to have? Coty and I have been together not an insignificant amount of time, but I also got into this with the understanding that this whole situation shouldn't last all that long. I also remember being told that the second they were separated for a year, the divorce would be put through (or however that works). Neither of those things is true. But I can't leave now, not when I know what this love feels like, not when I think I could never find something like this somewhere else. On the other hand, I feel like it's all made me sacrifice a little of what makes me myself: my strong convictions and independence. I don't like feeling like I'm on the back burner and being kept in secret. I want to be able to be truthful and honest about my relationship. I don't want to just have to be a "good friend" until the time is right. The concept of not having a plan for how things may go anymore makes me extremely uneasy. What's to say this progress that has been stalled for about 5 or 6 months won't just stay here for an unreasonable amount of time? What will break first: my resolve to be supportive and patient and wait for good things that I deserve to come to me? Or the way things are? I honestly don't know anymore. I'm hanging on for now because I just can't bear to give up on my love, but it also is taking such a toll on me. It's all emotionally draining... on the both of us.

This all doesn't mean that I'm ready to give up or stop loving or move on; I'll never stop loving, even if I one day do move on. I can't do that. But this waiting is slowly wearing away at the person I know I am and can be, and it's a true trial of my inner strength. I love Coty and I love his kids and I just want the faith that he has. I just want to always believe and not have these doubts always crossing my mind. I know this definitely contributes to my finding it so hard. It's just hard to change the questioning analytical mind that I've had for the first 24 years of my life. So torn about it: I know Coty needs my support and I want to be that to him, I just don't think I am anymore and that makes my heart very sad.

When is it Enough?

I was thinking about it earlier this week and I talk a lot about what I'd like in the future, where I would like things to be, what I'd like to do... blah blah blah. Thing is, if I could wake up tomorrow and instantly have everything I have in my head right now that I think would make me happy, would I really be happy? What's it going to take to make me content? But maybe that's also because I haven't be truly happy in oh, so long (sad isn't it?). I have to think back on the last time I was happy: I'd probably have to say my last year in university. I had great friends, was doing all kinds of things I loved outside of school, I was finally close to finishing my degree, had a couple of vacations planned and even though I was somewhat stressed about all the change that was about to happen I was still happy. I enjoyed life. Not saying that now there aren't parts of my life that make me happy, but overall I don't feel happy if you average out my feelings. Why? I feel so unsettled and in-between. I'm afraid to start to settle in Houston for fear of being uprooted again either for a job I want (which would make it ok) or to be shipped home for this one. How lame is that? I also always have in the back of my mind my limited options for making my career plus my relationship work. I'm limited by location would be fine if it wasn't compounded with the fact that I'm on a work visa. Sad panda. I feel so anxious about it. all. the. time. I just want to be happy... but if I was I certainly would make sure I enjoyed it and wasn't paranoid something was coming up to fuck it up. Because that's generally how I feel haha. Well this is a pretty cynical post for Valentine's Day wasn't it? 

Dependency

I've been doing some thinking and I've realized: I'm completely dependent on my boyfriend/relationship. I hated and judged people like me before; who are you if you need to depend on something else? I've always considered myself pretty independent. Even growing up I was pretty accustomed to doing things on my own, not because I was forced to by some sort of circumstance but because I could. I also believe I'm a much better person for it. But being independent and able to take care of myself feels like a rather large part of my identity and it governs quite a number of my personal traits: my ambition/drive, my stubbornness, my overall attitude and my ability to get things accomplished. So if this is something that I feel identifies me, what does it mean once I'm not fully independent anymore? Do I lose part of my identity? Or is it just something I have to evolve with if I want to be part of a relationship? Coty reminds me fairly often that I'm not single anymore; that my actions and words have to take into account another person but I've lived so much of my life not in a relationship this is a difficult message to get through to me... 

But that makes me also ask myself the question: is it normal? Is it normal for my happiness to mostly depend on one other person? Is it normal for a fight with the same person to tear me up inside, make me visibly distraught (horrible poker face), affects my sleep, affects my appetite... and over what? A little exchange of some nasty words? Is it really the end of the world? But a big problem I have is I have great difficulty just pushing something to the back of my mind, so it stays on my mind until it can be addressed. Which is exactly the opposite of the way Coty deals with any conflict: he gets agitated and before he blows up because I am so stubborn and incessant, he brings the argument to a grinding halt, leaving me in emotional limbo and is entirely exhausting. Does this happen to me because it's just the way I handle conflict? Or does it have something to do with me not having had relationships when I was younger to get this crazy shit out of my system? I'm so frustrated with feeling like this and dealing with things like this and feeling crazy. I want to stop it and I'm writing this as I sit through the terrible 12-hour time difference currently between he and I, filling my Sunday with a periodic checking of my phone to see if he happens to be awake by some random chance. See what I mean? Dependent... And I know a little bit of dependency is normal and part of what a relationship is; I would hope my boyfriend/future husband will be somewhat dependent on me and having me in their life. I just have to wonder how much is too much?

Future Ambitions

So this whole "tumultuous" journey of completely hating my job has also made me pretty disenfranchised with the whole engineering career idea, so it kind of made me look back at when I originally picked engineering and why:
1. It's one degree, five years, and you'll get a well-paying job at the end of it
2. I was really good at science and math in high school. It came so easily for me I figured engineering school would at least play to those school
3. I always loved problem-solving and I had this magical idea in my head that engineers actually did problem solving as their job (note: I did do one work term that was pretty much exactly what I had in my head as THE engineering job. I didn't get a second interview when it came time to apply for a new grad position...)

What was the other option? A nursing degree and then med school. As tough as it may be to believe I actually do like caring/helping people, though sometimes the "tough love" maybe comes out a little more than it should. Plus it still has that science-y, problem solving aspect to it. Win-win. Buuuuut it also means a bajillion years in university (I was so done with the place after four of my five years were finished). 

What would I rather be doing? Something where I was actually doing what I would like: solving problems or helping people. So maybe if my engineering job incorporated one of those, I'd be ok (btw being a cementing engineer is so BORING. The only thing that excites me about it is my sporadic mini victories), which is why I have my eye on a DSM job: always different things going on and different problems to be solved, PLUS I can stay here on my visa, rotate offshore and have half the year off, AND I can move back to Louisiana. Everybody wins. In my head, at least...

If I had my time back and wasn't an engineer, what would I have done? A passion of mine is fitness and fitness-based things. I would really love to be some sort of personal trainer/class instructor. In fact, I still may do that. Maybe it will be something to look towards in the future when I'm not bound to a job family by a stupid working visa. Ideally, it's something I could also work from home with or at least have a flexible schedule with once I have a family, which would definitely be a nice little bonus. I've been seeing Groupons for an online training course for the personal training cert and am leaning more and more towards taking it; I would also love to be a Zumba instructor :). I just have so much fun doing these things myself and trying out new things, I'd love to help other people turn their lives around and hop on the fitness train. Plus why not make a job out of something I'd love to do as a hobby/on the side anyway? I think I just inspired myself to start going for it!

Happy panda!!

Procrastination Time... well kinda

So a bit has gone on in the past couple of days: I have been experiencing some dizzy spells that come along with weakness. I totally attributed them to having some low blood sugar, and since I'm going to Russia soon and recently they became a little more frequent and severe, I thought I best be finally going to the doctor (ugh). Turns out it's something called a mitral valve prolapse which means that one of the valves doesn't close properly when pumping blood. Apparently it's a fairly insignificant problem and I had no reason to find out about it since I never had any reason to go to a cardiologist until now. But the main factor in this is apparently stress. Since this all started when I first moved down here (huh interesting) kind of stayed at bay for a bit, then started up again once I started becoming stressed about work and my relationship. Huh. I had just assumed during those times I didn't eat as much or drink as much water which messed up my blood sugar... this explanation makes a bit more sense. With that being said, I was prescribed more sleep and less stress. I know it's going to be a struggle for me on both those fronts. But it's also a little scary to have a doctor tell me that the stress in my life has physically manifested itself in such a way. 

With that being said, I am a STRESS MONSTER. It consumes me: I become negative and bitchy and pessimistic. I can assure you I'm miserable to be around (I'm sure most would admit that if you asked them; some will even tell me......). I also have an atrocious poker face (unless I'm actually playing poker, then I do have a good one. Probably because I mask it all with anger :|). Coty said something to me tonight that kind of broke my heart a little "I want you to be that sexy, sweet, smart unbelievably awesome girl I fell in love with. The one who was semi-care-free"At first glance it's quite sweet, but what it really means is that I'm not like the girl he fell in love with anymore. I don't really know who I am anymore. I've let myself get so wrapped up in the various aspects of my life (fighting to stay close to the top of Coty's priorities, always hearing from my parents about job availabilities at home, work sucking both literally and figuratively because I'm pretty sure it has sucked out a good chunk of my soul) that I've lost me. I barely talk to friends anymore, and when it is, it's to bitch. I realized today that I don't know how to have a normal conversation with a friend that isn't solely about complaining about my life. That is so sad. On top of it all, I feel like I make up most of this shit in my head. Yes, some of it is stressful, but I also stress about what ifs ALLL THE TIME (mostly about my relationship and quitting my job) so it makes me sometimes jump to unfair conclusions. But that aspect of me terrifies me: am I at least just a little bit crazy? It does run in the women in the family you know. That thought runs through my mind every time I'm told I'm paranoid or making shit up or anything along those lines. I want to be that girl Coty described again; she sounds great! My biggest fear when he said that though is what if I can't be? What if I can't manage to do that for him and for myself? Is that it? There's only so much love can endure, even if it is soul-mate-once-in-a-lifetime kind of love. I'm so afraid all the time that he will just tell me "you know what? I don't need this in my life anymore. I love you but I just can't do it." Though by no means is it really fair to think that; I have no real reason to believe it, yet that massive fear sits lurking in the corner always. Part of me wonders if it's because the few relationships I have had have ended in me breaking it off in a heat of the moment type deal, expecting him to come crawling back to me and he didn't. Maybe I feel like I deserve no better. Why can't I just accept this is going to be long term/forever come hell or high water?

At the same time, if it doesn't manage to work out with us being in a relationship for whatever reason, I can't cut him out of my life. Well I could (because that is what I usually do) but that would be so hurtful to both of us that I just couldn't. It would break my heart to finally be just the friend I'm only supposed to be though. Sometimes I wonder if that would just be better: for me to be a friend to Coty and love and support him from afar. See each other occasionally-ish, talk still I would hope, but not be together. I would probably move back home and our contact would grow fewer and further between. I just can't even accept that as a possibility though... unless it was something he really needed me to do. Then I can't be selfish. It does entirely break my heart to consider it though. Tears are literally streaming down my face as I type. This is one of the reasons I like to write on here though: at least getting it off my chest let's a little less of it run around my mind and keep me from sleeping (and remember I really need my sleep now apparently...). 

I got so tangent-y during this post but it feels cathartic to see it all in front of me. Maybe now I can try and move past these feelings towards a better Erin. I want to be sweet and awesome again.....

My Happy List

So tonight I had an idea in mind for a post and then I was like "fuck that shit. I'm doing something pure and simple and happy". So here it is, my what-makes-me-happy list:

1. The first kiss after a hitch offshore
2. The aftermath of that first kiss... ;)
3. A cuddly kitten in my lap
4. Finishing something that was frustrating
5. Bread pudding
6. Sleeping in after a long week
7. The smell of fall
8. Hugging excited kiddies
9. Catching up with good friends
10. Sour candy
11. The first snowfall of the year
12. Bundling up in sweaters and boots on fall days
13. A massage
14. A good little random surprise. Like snail mail from home or flowers
15. Talking about the future
16. My baby
17. Seeing the look on someone's face when I picked them out a good gift
18. School supply shopping
19. The smell of apple mango tango Gain
20. Being productive
21. Leaving to go on vacation

I'm sure I have a ton more, but there's a start.

BE a happy panda!

How are You Doing Today Erin?....

Well thanks for asking... kind of a loaded question really: I've had a long, tiring, stressful week. It started out last weekend with not being able to see Coty before he went back to work. He ended up spending time with his family, which of course I understand, but when that happens it doesn't make it suck any less. I also really wanted to see him since I won't get to now for about two months. Work is sending me to Russia (in February... I know) for six weeks and the way schedules fall and whatnot, that's the moral of the story. So any normal person gets disappointed by something like this, and I am definitely no exception. But the real question is how do I better deal with being disappointed? Because it obviously happens in all parts of everyone's life... all. the. time. (I'm not being cynical; that's just the reality of life) How do I learn to "roll with it"? I want to be able to not necessarily be unaffected by shitty things that happen, but to stop being so deeply affected that it just ends up making me an insufferable person resulting in me pushing everyone away. Is the answer being busier and more fulfilled in my life outside work? A friend of mine asked me a question the other day: am I putting so much effort into maintaining my long distance relationship (because that is what it is) that I haven't fully settled into my life in Houston? In a sense she was right; that isn't the only factor working against me, there's also my hating my job but putting my head down and sucking it up because I have to, deciding I wasn't going to like Houston before I even moved here because 1. it was a big city and 2. because it was literally driving a distance wedge into my relationship. As if we weren't already up against enough... But this is my reality; I'm here for a while. At least until I can find a job elsewhere. So how do I make the best of it? Having shopping as my only hobby is not helpful (one I don't even maintain that well anymore btw). My life used to be so full of variety and fulfilling and now it just feels kind of blah. I also had to sit and think: how do you even meet friends when you move to a new city? Through work? I tried that; I like a couple of them but most of them I don't. I don't feel I have much in common with them because save the couple of people I like, most of them are married or cynical about life because they are old and alone. So then I think about it: where did I meet all of my good friends? School (not going back to school)... Cadets (there are no Cadets down here or an equivalent really)... Work (exhausted that option already)... hmmm what to do? I'm making somewhat of a vow to myself: I'm going to do two new things once I come back here (besides working out :) ). I have yet to decide what they are but I think one will be a book club. I definitely always loved reading. I'll have it in the back of my mind while I'm over there and this is me making a promise to myself: I HAVE to do something and I will!

I got off on a wicked tangent and didn't even get to touch on the rest of the things I'm stressing over right now... until next time and I best be trying to

Be a Happy Panda :)