Wavering Conviction

Tonight during my workout, in the middle of holding a bridge pose, my mind began to wander and I started to cry. I know, I know: crying is not out of the ordinary for me, especially not lately (hell I even cried at work when they told me they wanted to move me back home), which is actually really aggravating to me. I hate that my instinctive reaction is to cry. It makes me feel so weak. Anyhow, my reason for crying was me thinking about the conversation me and my momma had last night. I had told her about Coty taking the kids on a cruise in April. She, of course, asked if his wife was going and I obviously admitted that she was. She wasn't too receptive of the idea, and I don't really blame her: she only wants the best for me and my momma is not one to speak up about something. She has always let me and my brother make our own decisions and mistakes and kept her opinion out of it, especially when it comes to important life decisions (this is great when you're sick of hearing opinions; not so great when you actually need one...). If I'm going to be honest, I'm really not happy about the whole thing, or rather the principle of a family vacation (a harsh reminder of what I'm not). This is probably pretty selfish of me, but I'm also trying my best to look at the positive side of it: Coty needs a vacation, I'm sure, and also gets to spend this time sharing an experience with his kids. His wife is just tagging along. <-- I wish I could see it like that all the time, but I really don't, not all the time. At the same time, I also feel like that's a natural feeling to have? Coty and I have been together not an insignificant amount of time, but I also got into this with the understanding that this whole situation shouldn't last all that long. I also remember being told that the second they were separated for a year, the divorce would be put through (or however that works). Neither of those things is true. But I can't leave now, not when I know what this love feels like, not when I think I could never find something like this somewhere else. On the other hand, I feel like it's all made me sacrifice a little of what makes me myself: my strong convictions and independence. I don't like feeling like I'm on the back burner and being kept in secret. I want to be able to be truthful and honest about my relationship. I don't want to just have to be a "good friend" until the time is right. The concept of not having a plan for how things may go anymore makes me extremely uneasy. What's to say this progress that has been stalled for about 5 or 6 months won't just stay here for an unreasonable amount of time? What will break first: my resolve to be supportive and patient and wait for good things that I deserve to come to me? Or the way things are? I honestly don't know anymore. I'm hanging on for now because I just can't bear to give up on my love, but it also is taking such a toll on me. It's all emotionally draining... on the both of us.

This all doesn't mean that I'm ready to give up or stop loving or move on; I'll never stop loving, even if I one day do move on. I can't do that. But this waiting is slowly wearing away at the person I know I am and can be, and it's a true trial of my inner strength. I love Coty and I love his kids and I just want the faith that he has. I just want to always believe and not have these doubts always crossing my mind. I know this definitely contributes to my finding it so hard. It's just hard to change the questioning analytical mind that I've had for the first 24 years of my life. So torn about it: I know Coty needs my support and I want to be that to him, I just don't think I am anymore and that makes my heart very sad.