I'm in a pretty good mood today:
-I'm not sucking terribly at this stupid course I have to suffer through
-I have a couple of ideas for a much-needed vacation... or be greedy and take a couple of them? :)
-most importantly, I feel like I turned a corner in my relationship last night... I don't even mind so much that the food here makes me feel terrible and tired and bloaty (bleh)
on a side note: one day I'm going to look back on these entries and probably self-diagnose myself to be bi-polar. Just so much up and down. No wonder I'm so tired!
But Coty and I had a conversation that's come up A LOT lately: are we just kidding ourselves staying together if he feels like he disappoints me and I feel like things are moving too slowly? The most important difference this time was that I don't feel so much like it was both of us trying to decide what was best for the other. We actually talked through this "friend" option, which, let's get real, is us completely kidding ourselves... yes, I can understand being "friends" if one of you just doesn't feel the same anymore or has kind of gotten over it or fallen out of love. But that's just not the case? I still love him more every day. He still surprises me. Every day. We still have such passion when we do get to see each other; that spark is just not fading! That is AWESOME SAUCE :) (I'm all about the caps today). He's agreed to understand that I just can't not care when something puts a twist in our plans and I've agreed to not be so impatient. In all honesty, while I think about it, I feel like I'm handling it all a little better than I first did. Sure I still have little emotional bits, but I've gotten better at at least talking about it rather than just shutting up and making Coty beg to know what's wrong or what I think. That's just stupid and not productive at all.
With that being said, we kind of hit a low point Monday night in which I pushed a little too far and the "I just can't do it anymore" statement was made :|. I never thought it would go that far but I guess I got my answer: everyone has a breaking point (obviously). I'm glad things didn't stay there because I'd probably be a complete emotional disaster for weeks and months afterwards. But it was also really stupid on my part. Why do I push away people that love me? I do it with my family too... Why can't I just accept complete love and appreciate it for what it is? They're not going anywhere anytime soon. I can be so self-sabotaging sometimes.
That just turned a good post into a not so good one, which is not what I wanted. So I'll leave it at this: every time we talk about the future, I'm excited. Whether it's next week, next month, this summer, or things that will come year(s) from now. I like dreaming even if I do it super cautiously most often (it's the pessimist/realist in me; I can't decide which I am. Probably moreso pessimist :( ). I feel good about where we are and that we both know what we want; now just to get there.
:) panda!
-I'm not sucking terribly at this stupid course I have to suffer through
-I have a couple of ideas for a much-needed vacation... or be greedy and take a couple of them? :)
-most importantly, I feel like I turned a corner in my relationship last night... I don't even mind so much that the food here makes me feel terrible and tired and bloaty (bleh)
on a side note: one day I'm going to look back on these entries and probably self-diagnose myself to be bi-polar. Just so much up and down. No wonder I'm so tired!
But Coty and I had a conversation that's come up A LOT lately: are we just kidding ourselves staying together if he feels like he disappoints me and I feel like things are moving too slowly? The most important difference this time was that I don't feel so much like it was both of us trying to decide what was best for the other. We actually talked through this "friend" option, which, let's get real, is us completely kidding ourselves... yes, I can understand being "friends" if one of you just doesn't feel the same anymore or has kind of gotten over it or fallen out of love. But that's just not the case? I still love him more every day. He still surprises me. Every day. We still have such passion when we do get to see each other; that spark is just not fading! That is AWESOME SAUCE :) (I'm all about the caps today). He's agreed to understand that I just can't not care when something puts a twist in our plans and I've agreed to not be so impatient. In all honesty, while I think about it, I feel like I'm handling it all a little better than I first did. Sure I still have little emotional bits, but I've gotten better at at least talking about it rather than just shutting up and making Coty beg to know what's wrong or what I think. That's just stupid and not productive at all.
With that being said, we kind of hit a low point Monday night in which I pushed a little too far and the "I just can't do it anymore" statement was made :|. I never thought it would go that far but I guess I got my answer: everyone has a breaking point (obviously). I'm glad things didn't stay there because I'd probably be a complete emotional disaster for weeks and months afterwards. But it was also really stupid on my part. Why do I push away people that love me? I do it with my family too... Why can't I just accept complete love and appreciate it for what it is? They're not going anywhere anytime soon. I can be so self-sabotaging sometimes.
That just turned a good post into a not so good one, which is not what I wanted. So I'll leave it at this: every time we talk about the future, I'm excited. Whether it's next week, next month, this summer, or things that will come year(s) from now. I like dreaming even if I do it super cautiously most often (it's the pessimist/realist in me; I can't decide which I am. Probably moreso pessimist :( ). I feel good about where we are and that we both know what we want; now just to get there.
:) panda!
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