Interesting Turn of Events

Well this has been a tough week, at least the beginning of it was. But it sort of set in motion a bunch of things that are making me feel hopeful for the first time in a while. After how I was feeling Monday night, I decided to go look at jobs at home that everyone has been trying to tell me is best for me. Maybe they were on to something. So this came up in conversation on Thursday evening when I told Coty I had been considering it. He was very supportive of the idea and told me that it really could be a good thing for me right now and I know he's right. So I messaged my dad and asked him to look into what the salary would be out of interest. To say I shocked him was a massive understatement. Turns out it was potentially what I'm making now so I threw my resume into the mix. I feel though I don't have the type of experience in that role, my other experience should be an asset. 

So what does this mean? Am I giving up? I'm kind of torn between whether or not I'm giving up or doing what's healthiest for me right now. Also kind of afraid for what it means for Coty and I since I never want to lose him. But I also can't keep on being as unhappy as I am because I can assure you part of My unhappiness results in pushing everyone who loves me away. Which is my vicious circle. Blehhh. But on another note, this brings back the possibility of trying to have a baby before I head back home to allow me to have the baby there and have a support system unlike what I'd get to have down here. That makes me excited!! I'm just always a little afraid how it will affect Coty not being able to see another child of his nearly as much as he'd want to and I'd want him to. That would break my heart on all sides. I just want us all to be happy and make everything work the best we can :) if that includes a little piece of the two of us, that makes my heart smile :D. 

Just Breathe

Today during something that was supposed to be fun and a stress relief (Zumba) I felt the overwhelming urge to cry. That happens so often lately. Too often. Is that normal? Definitely not. No matter how hard I try, I seem to sink deeper and deeper into these feelings (sometimes it feels a little like a depression?). I just feel so alone all the time. And it feels like there's nothing I can do about it. Feeling pretty helpless and like everything I have right now is an impossible task. 

It also really upsets me when I'm feeling like this and I also feel like I have no one to talk to. I know Coty gets busy and it essentially feels like he's living a double life, so when he's home and actively living that life then I don't feel like I can be a part of it. I get that that's pretty selfish but it also feels like steps back every single time I call and don't hear back from him. I feel like a pathetic girl that can't take a hint when a guy doesn't want to talk to her. I shouldn't feel like that. I know I'm probably blowing some of this out of proportion but I think some of it also is him trying to keep the peace at him at my expense. He never used to care about how it looked. Now I know he does. Also makes me think he's leaning back towards staying with her. Which I could totally understand... But I need to hear it and not infer it from how I feel.  

And at the same time I feel like I have no one to talk to who's on my side. I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle solo and it's exhausting mentally and even physically... Even when I did just have a nice-ish visit (minus a big piece of kaylees mind on my relationship) with one of my best friends, as soon as it was over it dragged me down even further than before it started. It's heart breaking and frustrating and lonesome :(

Balancing Goals

So a lot has been running through my mind lately: a lot about the future and what to do and how to get there. I've always been a goal oriented type of person (shocker I know...) so to me, if something is not working or I'm not where I want to be, what else is there to do but make a goal and work towards making it better? I can't really think of anything else.

So it's a well known fact that I'm miserable in my current job, so what can I really do about that? Find another one? That's easier said than done especially when I don't have a green card here. Or I could quit and go home, poor and a quitter. But I'd be home with my family and probably a whole lot happier. I miss having people I enjoy being around in my life. I'm sick of spending all of my weekends alone. It was different when my alone time was a choice. Now I don't have an option. And if I do have the opportunity to see a friend or especially Coty to lift my spirits I will bend over backwards to make it happen. That loneliness is probably a root cause of how needy I've become... But that's a different story for a different day.

I've also strongly considered going back to school: it would give me something constructive to focus my negative energy on and also likely give me a much better chance on getting something different that I'll enjoy working at.

But at the same time, sometimes I feel like I'm just trying to cling to something that no one else but me thinks is a good idea. My parents are always trying to pull me back home, Coty tries to nudge me to do it (granted, yes, I know mentally it would probably be a great help right now), I hate living here which is my reality at least for a while. Kind of feels like everything and everyone is telling me that I'm fighting for this alone. That I'm kidding myself into thinking it will be best in the long run. It makes me want to give up and listen to everything going on around me and just go home. I just feel so defeated and I don't know what to do...

Opinions

Opinions. I'm getting really sick of them. Everyone seems to have one about everything in everyone else's life rather than looking inward and maybe thinking about what they may need to re-evaluate in their own life. If I need/want an opinion, I will ask for it (very few people in my life get this from me). If not, kindly keep it to yourself. You don't really know me and you don't know what's going on in my life. Sure, you can ask questions and make your own inferrences, but that doesn't mean shit. You are not me and the last time I checked, your happiness and/or failures are not directly translatable into my personal life. If I ask for one and it's not what I want or expect, sure, that's on me. these are a few of the irritating opinions I've recieved lately:

• "I need to be with someone who hasn't experienced being married/having kids before so he can experience it for the first time with me" <-- how stupid and tunnel-visioned is that?? Sure it's easy for you to say that since that's the way it worked out for you. But the last time I checked, falling in love is not a conscious decision?
• "You're young and allowing a one-way street to be your basis now will dictate the rest of your lives together" this is in reference to Coty being unable to move closer to me in Houston due to wanting to stay close to his kids. This actually infuriates me beyond belief; what about this need makes our relationship a one-way street? Wouldn't it be a one-way street the other way if I asked him to move-in with me and said that could be the only way? Does this mean our entire relationship will be all me giving and all hime taking? No.
• "That's fucked up" this was from my mom in reference to the cruise Coty is about to take. Sure, it's frustrating for me to know he's going on a vacation with his kids plus the wife he's separated from, but you expressing such feelings to me doesn't help. If you don't approve, don't approve. I just don't need to hear that shit from you.

Yes, I get that the situation isn't easy or easy to navigate/understand. But the last thing I need is people shoving their own opinions down my throat. This is case-in-point why I prefer to just keep my personal life as my personal life and not let anybody in.

Baby Ca-ra-za-zy

I feel the title of this post is pretty self-explanatory: I am deeming myself officially baby crazy. I kind of laugh at the thought sometimes because if you asked me a year ago if I'd be wanting a baby in a year, I would've thought it was completely ridiculous. But sometimes you have to just take a deep breath and just jump in. Realistically is anyone actually ready to be a parent when they become one? Probably not. When is the "perfect time" to have a baby? There's always going to be one more thing that's going to get in the way of perfect timing, so the way I look at it is I'm in love with a wonderful man who is a fantastic father already. One I want to have a family with. One who's made me change the way I look at absolutely everything. 

So what do I have in my head about it? If I got pregnant right now, I would definitely have the baby; sure things are not ideal in my life but I know I could make it work. Even if I hate my job, it still pays well. Granted, it would be difficult living in Houston where I haven't established myself much of a support system, but that's my reality. Coty and I have also discussed what if I got pregnant just before moving back home. That would help support system-wise and letting my parents be grandparents and everything. It kind of still makes me a little sad to think Coty would miss the beginning of his baby's life, regardless of how much he says he's ok with it.

It makes me happy to think and dream about these things for the future. It gives me something very positive and fulfilling to look forward to, and maybe, just a little bit, it makes me feel normal because 24-year-old women everywhere dream of babies and weddings if they haven't already had them :)

Plans?

So I've spoken time and time again about doing more things for me. Now I've actually formulated a semi-plan. I'm going to list the things I have intended and time to time check back and see how I'm doing with keeping up with them:

• start learning the guitar: Coty gave me one for Christmas (thanks baby!) and I am just dying to learn. Worst thing is I can't manage to tune it, so I made the pick to get the Guitar for Dummies pack and give it a shot once I get home (it showed up about a day or two before I came to stupid Russia)
• volunteer for with community outreach through work: they do all kinds of stuff like school seminars for younger kids (I always really liked doing those) and also Habitat for Humanity which I also have always had an interest in
• I have an application in with the Girl Scouts to be a Brownie leader; I always enjoyed doing that before as well
• start to do my knitting again. I kind of let my blanket project fall by the wayside
• actually start to plan meals. I've been doing kind of a half-assed job of this. I want to move towards finding non-packaged alternatives to all of my snacks. Let's see how long I can get away with this without a deep freezer :)
• keep up my gyminess (of course); I'm on a good track even if my progress has stalled a little (the terrible variety of nutritional food in this place is pretty detrimental to me. is a salad without mayo on it really too much to ask for? Why yes, yes it is...), but I'm not reverting back so that's always a good thing? I've started to incorporate Crossfit workouts and absolutely love them. I'm also starting to dissolve some of my disdain for running again (I actually did love to run at one point; used to be such a great release of energy). I'm also considering starting to blog about it. I've been through a lot of ups and downs over the years, so some of them might be helpful to share, plus I really have a passion for this fitness jazz. I'm also thinking to start saving to get some of the certifications I'd ultimately like to have done, done

I is a happy panda :)

Remotivated

I'm in a pretty good mood today:
-I'm not sucking terribly at this stupid course I have to suffer through
-I have a couple of ideas for a much-needed vacation... or be greedy and take a couple of them? :)
-most importantly, I feel like I turned a corner in my relationship last night... I don't even mind so much that the food here makes me feel terrible and tired and bloaty (bleh)

on a side note: one day I'm going to look back on these entries and probably self-diagnose myself to be bi-polar. Just so much up and down. No wonder I'm so tired! 

But Coty and I had a conversation that's come up A LOT lately: are we just kidding ourselves staying together if he feels like he disappoints me and I feel like things are moving too slowly? The most important difference this time was that I don't feel so much like it was both of us trying to decide what was best for the other. We actually talked through this "friend" option, which, let's get real, is us completely kidding ourselves... yes, I can understand being "friends" if one of you just doesn't feel the same anymore or has kind of gotten over it or fallen out of love. But that's just not the case? I still love him more every day. He still surprises me. Every day. We still have such passion when we do get to see each other; that spark is just not fading! That is AWESOME SAUCE :) (I'm all about the caps today). He's agreed to understand that I just can't not care when something puts a twist in our plans and I've agreed to not be so impatient. In all honesty, while I think about it, I feel like I'm handling it all a little better than I first did. Sure I still have little emotional bits, but I've gotten better at at least talking about it rather than just shutting up and making Coty beg to know what's wrong or what I think. That's just stupid and not productive at all.

With that being said, we kind of hit a low point Monday night in which I pushed a little too far and the "I just can't do it anymore" statement was made :|. I never thought it would go that far but I guess I got my answer: everyone has a breaking point (obviously). I'm glad things didn't stay there because I'd probably be a complete emotional disaster for weeks and months afterwards. But it was also really stupid on my part. Why do I push away people that love me? I do it with my family too... Why can't I just accept complete love and appreciate it for what it is? They're not going anywhere anytime soon. I can be so self-sabotaging sometimes.

That just turned a good post into a not so good one, which is not what I wanted. So I'll leave it at this: every time we talk about the future, I'm excited. Whether it's next week, next month, this summer, or things that will come year(s) from now. I like dreaming even if I do it super cautiously most often (it's the pessimist/realist in me; I can't decide which I am. Probably moreso pessimist :( ). I feel good about where we are and that we both know what we want; now just to get there.

:) panda!